Journal Entry from Mother’s Day 5/14/17
Dedicated to Esther Bei on her 3rd Birthday and to her biological Momma on this day- 4/26/19
Oh, Lord, you knitted me together in my mother’s womb- in the secret place where no eye could see. You laid your hand upon me and called me wonderful. You created the depths of my inmost places and are well acquainted with all my ways. You have numbered my days before even one even came to be and you delight in the beauty of your creation. You determined the times and places of my life that I might seek you and grope for you and find you- although you were never far from me. Every day of my life you have hemmed me in- behind and before me- searching me, knowing me, perceiving my thoughts, listening to my words, discerning my paths, and counting the very hairs on my head. This knowledge is too wonderful for me to comprehend, your love is beautiful to me. And yet you say that I am beautiful and that you delight in your creation.
And, oh Lord, at the appointed time you opened my eyes to see your glory. I was blind, but now I can see. At the sight of the cross, I finally found what I had been searching for. My heart came alive and for the first time I knew True Love. Jesus, you reached down into a miry pit and rescued me. You set me in a spacious place and filled me with the wonder of a new life hidden in you. You called me your own and gave me a new name- a new identity, the stains were gone. You adopted me as your daughter, gifted me with riches and splendor, and there began preparing me for my Groom. You gave me works to do and people to serve. You filled this jar of clay with purpose and joy and the resources to accomplish plans that are beyond anything I could ask or even imagine. You show me your glory and sweep me away into the dance of your wild plans for me- and you delight to call me beautiful.
You bring me back to the cross day after day and show me the beauty there. You remind me that it is only when we lose our life for your sake that we gain true life. You show me that when I die to myself- my plans, my dreams, my ways, my flesh- this is when I truly live this life that you call beautiful. When I offer myself as a living sacrifice, this is holy and pleasing to you- this is my act of worship. Jesus, you show me that when I pour myself out on the altar of love for others, you fill me with streams of living water and my cup overflows with your goodness and your glory. You teach me that because of Jesus you are already pleased with me- fully and completely. So I can cease striving and truly rest in your love for me. I can be yoked with you, Jesus, and know that it is and always has been you that fulfills the plans you have for me. And these plans- they are a delight to you and you call them beautiful.
You lead me in your paths as I stumble and fall- imperfect, but learning by your grace. You called two to become one, flawed as we were, to teach us about your ways. As a loving father disciplines his son, you discipline us. We walk through the fires together and you are there- carrying us and refining us. You teach us what brokenness looks like and feels like and it feels like we are in the dark. Nevertheless, you were there- never leaving or forsaking us; teaching us to go low so you could bring us high….letting us weep and mourn so we would learn to walk by faith in your future redeeming grace. You burned away the pride and taught us to trust you. You taught us that you are our good, good Father, even when things were bad. And through the season of darkness, you showed us your beauty.
You said that children are a gift from God. We trusted you that when love is full, it overflows and multiplies. Love gives away and you have led us to surrender to the power of giving away 4 times now. Each life, an overflow of the life that you have planted in us. Each life unique, hand crafted by you, and called forth in its time. Each life with a number to its days, a wonderfully unique reflection of its Creator, and a mighty purpose for its story. Oh God, their lives are in your hands. You teach us what unconditional love, persevering patience, and extravagant grace looks like. You are not through with us yet. As we submit to this process of raising them up in Your Presence, you humble us still. Imperfect teachers teaching imperfect students- and your grace covers all. You impress upon all of us your truths as we walk along the way, still stumbling, but clinging to your Presence as we go. You make us into your disciples and we walk with you. Oh God, you draw us into your story and prepare us for the Wedding Feast of the Lamb. This process seems messy and even haphazard at times- but you look upon the pages of our lives and call it beautiful.
Somewhere there is a Momma who is maybe just like I was- wandering through this broken world not knowing that her life is in Your hand. You knit her together and you are intimately acquainted with all her ways. You perceive her thoughts, you hear her words, and you count the hairs on her head. All of her days are numbered and you are not far from her- if only she would grope for you and find you. You hem her in- behind and before, and by your grace you know the day when you will peel the scales from her eyes and her blindness will become sight- you will show her your glory. Meanwhile, by your love, you have given her a good and perfect gift. The multiplying power of your love has overflowed into her womb and created new life. And there you go again- creating, fearfully and wonderfully- weaving life and calling what was not into being. This child is yours- a gift from God to this earth- reflecting your glory- a testimony to this earth and the heavenlies about who you are. And this work you know full well- this life is in Your hand. This knowledge is too wonderful to me; but it is beautiful to you.
By your sovereign hand, you make broken things so beautiful. This Momma and this tiny growing life is all a part of your story- to show your kindness, redemption, power, and glory in the earth. And by your grace, you have woven this baby and this Momma into our hearts. We are pregnant, by your love, with love and affection for this life that we do not yet know. My soul exalts in the Lord and rejoices in my Savior- for He has had regard for this humble servant. Behold, from this generation on will look upon my life and call me blessed by the Mighty One- for He has done great things for me. He has exalted the humble and filled the hungry with good things. Oh God, your works are too wonderful for me- I cannot contain it. You set the orphan into families and bless them all with cups that overflow. You will bless us with the beauty of Your plan unfolding- each step orchestrated and ordained by You. You send us to each other for our good and for your glory. You will provide, just as you always have, and you will bring delight, just because of who you are. You are working all of these things together for good. We will watch as the Mighty hand of God uses the living testimony of adoption to bring many sons and daughters to glory. You will grant your people knowledge of salvation and the forgiveness of sin. For you are a God who brings light out of darkness and brings redemption from brokenness. You are the One who brings beauty out of ashes. You draw us to Yourself when we are lost and far from You. You, oh God, write the most merciful love stories when you set the fatherless into families. And this child’s story is beautiful to you.
Lord, you give us the story of Esther- a child raised by one of whom she did not grow in the womb, but into the heart. Your Word says that she grew to become a young lady who was beautiful of form and face. She was one of yours- raised up in your ways and with your hand upon her. You make broken things beautiful. Might you give us an Esther, Lord? Esther, who was humble, submissive, and found favor in the eyes of all. May the King of Kings be overcome by her beauty. And I pray that you, oh God, would reach down from on high, and make her your child. Raise her up, Lord, from a lowly beginning, to a beautiful life of faith for Your glory and the salvation of many. Make her brave, courageous, and confident of your love for her. Let her continue on the legacy of faith that knows she has been brought into Your kingdom for such a time as this. Let her life sing, as the other 3, to live is Christ and to die is gain. May they live out the story of Your salvation and redeeming power on this earth. May your grace lead them on the paths to know there is nothing on this earth that compares with the greatness of knowing Christ Jesus as Lord. And may their lives overflow with Your love- multiplying and spreading your kingdom beyond what I can ask or even imagine. These stories to come are in Your hand- you know them full well- and you already see that they are beautiful to You.